TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it could come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious housing calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are speaking Damascus, the town Traditionally recognized for historical lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be great. Huge!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed with the putting environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. Many of the very best. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely outside of location. Designed by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour right until the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable drinking water. But Indeed, absolutely sure, let us have A further area in which American Guys can don robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace endeavor considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst prior negotiations unsuccessful under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is simpler: give Every person a suite over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is tender electric power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open a tower within a war zone. It truly is that he must stop using it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regards to the project, replied, "You understand, male, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Great people. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility with the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping kinds an enormous Trump head visible from Place, a attribute becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits right after finding the constructing's gold plating reflected a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fire to an area melon cart.


"It is not just unpleasant. It's a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Perplexing Functions


Perhaps the strangest element of the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where guests may perhaps ponder obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, total with climate Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Area Syrians are Doubtful what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-12 months-aged Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing System: "In case you Bomb It, They'll Come"


The ad campaign, just lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is For good."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception Trump Tower Damascus is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% said "in which's the nearest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is already attracting attention from international buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll invest in a few penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial amount may also consist of:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to check out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a resort wherever my PTSD might have flip-down provider."


A different post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reviews propose:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to develop a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Remaining Feelings from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It needed gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped such as the Constitution. I gave everything 3. You happen to be welcome."

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